Humor

SWIM!

Bill Gates decided to hold a contest for the lawyers. Whoever wins gets to handle all of Microsoft’s business. The day of the event, the Gates’ estate is swamped with lawyers, all eager for the nod from the richest man in the world.

“Gentlemen,” Gates starts, “please follow me.” He leads them to an enormous swimming pool filled with piranha. Then he snaps his fingers. With that, a servant opens the door. A cow rushes out and stumbles into the pool. In no time at all, the cow is nothing but bones.

Gates says, “Any man who can swim the length of that pool shall represent me in all my business and personal dealings.”

Instantly, a lawyer named Carl pitches into the water. Furiously he swims across the pool, hauls himself out and stands there panting.”

“Bravo!” shouts Gates. “You have proven to me how much you want my business.”

“Actually, I want just one thing.” Carl gasps.

“What’s that?”

“The name of the bastard that pushed me in.”

Row Row A Boat!

A blonde is driving along a deserted country road with fields on either side. She looks out the window and sees another blonde in the middle of a field, in a rowboat, rowing and rowing. She stops the car, rolls down the window and yells, “You know it’s blondes like you who give the rest of us blondes a bad name!” Getting no reaction from the blonde in the rowboat, she screams, “If I could swim I’d come out there and punch you out!”

When Pigs…Swim

There are two guys in a life raft. One sees a fin in the water and shouts: “Uh oh, a shark, we’ll be eaten alive!!”

The other one says: “Don’t worry, the danger of sharks is overrated; every year more people are killed by pigs than sharks.”

The first one replys: “I didn’t know pigs could swim.”

P.S. The statistic is apparently true.

What do you call a swim team made up of girls named Jennifer?…

Hydrogens

Laws of Competitive Swimming

UNIVERSAL LAWS AFFECTING COMPETITIVE SWIMMERS
(much like Sir Isaac Newton�s laws of motion)*Law of Competitive Gravity*When left unattended, a swimmer will gravitate to the worst technique possible.

*Law of Inertia*

A swimmer at rest will tend to remain at rest unless acted upon by an outside force. A swimmer in motion will tend to rest as soon as possible unless acted upon by an outside force.

*Conservation of Matter*

Matter or Mass can neither be created nor destroyed, except by 11-18 year old females, when it can magically appear in the most inopportune places and quantities imaginable.

*Opposition Principle*

When asked to kick rapidly, swimmers tend not to; when told not to kick, swimmers tend to kick rapidly.

*Space, Time Continuum*

When swimming Breaststroke or Butterfly in practice, swimmers hands are attracted to the turning wall, each hand at a different speed, at different times, at different points not in the same plane.

*Laws of Acceleration & Momentum*

The law of acceleration may only apply for 3 minutes after coach reminds swimmer it is important, then the law of Momentum becomes dominant soon to be replaced by the law of Inertia.

*Law of Static Levels*

Swimmers will automatically seek their own comfort level and tend to attract others to so the same.

* Mind over Matter*

The mind can overcome many obstacles during competition but the same does not usually apply during practices.

*Law of Finite Attraction*

Even after carefully explaining the efficiency and effectiveness of an ideal stroke rate, within 3 minutes swimmer will invariably lose the ability to count strokes and think about any related concept. See similar anomaly under Law of Acceleration.

* Relativity *

The position of the swimmer�s body in relation to the position it is supposed to be in, may vary up to +or- 100%.

*Vertical and Horizontal Telemetry *

When rotated 90 degrees from the vertical to supine or sublime position, the brain loses most of its ability to function.

*Historical Principle of Babylon*

Within 3 minutes of the start of coach speaking, the swimmers begin hearing unrecognizable tongues. See similar anomaly under Law of Finite Attraction.

*Fluid Mechanics*

The amount of fluids the bladder can retain is directly proportional to the difficulty of the middle of the current practice set. The same principle seems to apply to ripping caps and broken goggle straps, but no scientific evidence connecting the 3 has been documented.